The Hair

The most significant side effect of chemotherapy is hair loss. Chemotherapy drugs attack all fast growing cells but the drugs can't determine what is a "good" cell and what is a "bad" cell. Therefore every fast growing cell is destroyed including hair and white blood cells. Before I started my chemotherapy I was told that hair loss usually occurrs between 2-3 weeks from the first treatment. That was a very frustrating thought. That date was looming out there. I felt like I was constantly wondering when it would happen and how. Was it going to fall out all at once? Was it going to gradually fall out? It was hard to believe it would happen because my hair was normal and for the most part I didn't feel any different. Occassionally, the sensation in my scalp would feel like I had been wearing a pony tail too tight.

On August 28th Kathryn went with me to Erickson's to pick out some hair. I tried on a few and we picked out a wig. She matched the color and placed the order. I also purchased a few scarves and hats. I didn't leave there feeling really excited about the wig. It looked pretty fake to me. I knew I wasn't committed but a little concerned I wouldn't have it for the ominous day.

At work on Tuesday September 8th I was running my fingers through my long hair when I pulled out about 20 strands all at once. (I should back up a little. Every morning there was quite a bit of hair on my pillow and occassionally I would hear Mark spitting out my hair!) I decided this had to be the day. I called my interim hairdresser. (my usual hairdresser is on maternity leave.) The thing about the shop I go to as that there is less than 6 degrees of separation between me and any one of them. My interim hairdresser Dana happens to be the aunt of my oldest sons best friend who also lives on the next street and lives about three blocks from our house. So I called Dana right away and she could cut my hair in her garage. Before I left the house I cried a little in Mark's arms. He has always liked my long hair and so have I. I know it will grow back but it is nothing I have control over. It is not my choice to lose my long hair. I have a little control over how I lose it right? I decided to get it cut short so it isn't so dramatic. Although, I can't help but think that this is such a small price to pay for my life and my health.

So, Kathryn came with me to Dana's. There were no more tears. Dana started gradually cutting. In the mean time, her son TJ was riding his bike around the garage chatting with us and more neighbor kids showed up. It took the tension out of the room. The final result was actually cute and I may decide to have short hair when it starts growing back again. In the few days that I had the short hair it was fun. I just washed, flushed and left the house.

Following my second treatment on September 11th, Kyle, Jeffrey and I headed to mom and dad's for the weekend. I hadn't seen mom since my diagnosis and she still wanted to give me a hug. It was a good weekend. Mom and I did a little shopping and had a good weekend. On Sunday September 13th it started. (2 weeks and 2 days from my first treatment.) I combed my hair after my shower and clumps of hair were on my comb. I put it in a baggy. All the way home from mom and dad's I kept pulling it out more and more and putting in a baggy. Kyle was sitting next to me and helped me a little. When we got home and I got the kids to bed, I sat and watched TV. While I was sitting there, I just kept pulling out hair and putting it in the baggy. By the time the program was over, I had pulled out most of my hair . It was strange because the more I started pulling, I couldn't stop my self. It was such a surreal moment. There were no tears and I felt unusually calm. It was like the waiting was finally over. It may sound a little wierd but I still have the baggy of my hair. I don't know why. So, I shaved the rest of the hair which wasn't much. My face was still tan from summer and my scalp paper white. A sight to be hold.

My next task was to figure out what to wear on my head for work. All of a sudden dressing in the morning creats a whole new challenge. You see, I have spent most of the money I make on my children so my wardrobe leaves much to be desired. So now on top of my usuall wardrobe challenges, now I have to match something for my head!!

The first day at work was difficult for me. Residents and family members had no knowledge of the war I was in. So the first day was a day of answering many quesitons. Each day after has gotten a little better. I still find it difficult because I continue to see family members everyday I haven't seen since the war began and the hair fell out. It gets tiresome but getting better. Following an unusually difficult care conference, I was talking to a co-worker and I said, "I would pull out my hair after that meeting except I don't have any!!" Thankfully some laughter!!

I wanted to end on a more positive note today. I wasn't sure how to handle the hair loss and the children. I had been worried that they would be bothered by my white, bald head. So, to that point I had always kept a hat on around the house. Jeffrey said to me one day, "I am sad." I asked him why. He said, "I am sad because you are sad." He thought I was sad about being bald. So I asked if he wanted to see. He gave me that wonderful shy smile with his big dimple and nodded. So, that was the end of wearing hats around the house. Kyle and Jeffrey rub my head every once in awhile. Our home is open now and I am most comfortable in my baldness. I have even started going bald around Kathryn's boyfriend Travis. He has become like family anyway as he is, much to my happiness, at hour house everyday.

So, on Friday October 9th I finally picked out the wig I liked. It seems more natural and it has highlights!!! It isn't itchy like I expected either. The boys are dying to wear it for Halloween over their scarey masks. Not going to happen!!!

So, as I have said before, there is so much living in between all of the crap going on so whoever is reading this, keep living. I went to a conference last week for the Minnestoa Nursing Home Social Worker's Associaltion. The last speaker was an uplifting speaker talking about adultitis and having fun in your life. Learn to find joy in the small stuff and find an excuse to celebrate and have a party!!

So today, Mark and the boys are hunting and I am still curled up in bed with my dog, a movie and my computer. (It is 10:45 am) I played hooky from church today. (Glad mom doesn't have a computer. If she sees this sorry mom!)