The Synopsis

I have always been a private person and as well do not like calling attention to myself. Anyone I work with and who knows me well can confrim that. Creating a blog to talk about myself is a bit of an oxymoron isn't it?! My dear Marianna told me that everyone is going to want to know how I am doing and how things are progressing. Unfortunately, everyone knows someone that has or has had breast cancer. Of all of the amazing women that have experienced this, every woman has their own story. Just like each woman is unique, each story and experience is unique. My story and my experience are unique as well. This is my story.

I have heard over the years people referring to the breast cancer war as a journey. When I hear the word journey I think of something positive. I think of a journey of self discovery or a long trip somewhere. Certainly I am in this for the long haul. However, I look at this as a war. I am waging this war with the help of Adriamycin, Cytoxan, surgery and radiation. My first battle in this long war is with Adriamycin and Cytoxan (chemotherapy). A war is something I can win but a journey never really ends. I intend to win this war. I refuse to give LB the satisfaction!!!!

It all started actually on the day before my parents 54th wedding anniversary. I knew in my gut when I found the lump that it was bad. I had no belief that it was a cyst or anything else others may try to pretend it may be. I also knew that my life would never be the same. I decided that I was going to enjoy the weekend with my kids. I took the boys to the beach and we went for a bike ride. We had a great weekend. Not knowing what my future held, I also cleaned out the storage. I got the hunting and hockey equipment ready to go for the men in my life.

The next 2 weeks would be the most difficult 2 weeks of my life. I had my first mammogram and ultrasound on August 17th at our primary clinic. That afternoon, a meer 2 hours after I left the office, my np called and they were referring me to the Mayo Clinic for more testing and biopsy. I got the call while at work at my desk. Liz (my friend and boss) and I have shared so much while sitting at our respective desks. We have both overheard each other way too many times hearing bad news and crying for each other. I don't know what I would have done without her during those 2 weeks. She kept this secret for me for over 2 weeks until I was ready to share with everyone. I know this was difficult for her. Everyone at work was asking what was going on. You see, I haven't taken a sick day in probably 5 or more years or maybe since I was on maternity leave with Jeffrey. I had been gone for 3 days out of each week and Liz and Ashley had taken over most of my work. For this I am eternally grateful. Even though I knew in my gut that is was bad, each time it was reinforced, it brought realization and terror. There were moments that a sense of panic would overtake me.

I officially began my war with LB on August 19th when I met with Dr. Ghosh at the breast clinic. The last half of the week was filled with multiple mammograms, ultrasound, an MRI, blood tests and chest x-ray (in preparation for possible surgery) and then the ultimate needle biopsy. While I was about to go in for a second mammogram Dr. Ghosh took me into her office. She did not mince words and in the kindest way possible she told me what she thought. She took both my hands in hers and said, "This is worrisome". She took me in her arms and let me cry and sob on her shoulder.

Monday, August 24th was the day we got the official results of the biopsy. We had already known so it was just a formality and to know what kind of cancer it is. LB is powered by estrogen and is HER2 negative. In the great scheme of breast cancer it is the best kind of breast cancer to have and it means that it will be the most responsive to treatment. In other words, LB doesn't have a shot. So finally some good news! More good news the next week after a PET scan tells me that it has not spread anywhere. Actually, before the biopsy was done, the Mayo Clinic had already put me on both surgery schedule and chemotherapy schedule one of which would occur on August 28th.

Monday, August 24th was the day that we had to share this news with the kids. Most difficult to do. Kyle and Jeffrey are young enough that everything is matter of fact. Kyle and Jeffrey were very non-chalant. So you're getting medicine and then you will be ok. Can I go play now? kind of attitude. Telling Kathryn and Jim is more difficult. They are smarter and know more about the world. That is all I will say about that!

Monday, August 24th was also the day that I had to call my mom and tell her. I was quite nervous about that. I have always admired her more than anyone in the world. I admire her not just because of how she handled her own cancer but the childhood she gave me and the constant love she gives. She had breast cancer at age 49. I, as an 11 or 12 year old, didn't have a clue what she was going through. As an adult, she told me once that she never said "why me?" but she said "why not me?". Remembering that statement has helped me deal with this the most. It helped me to face this head on rather than sit and feel sorry for myself. My mother is an amazing woman!!

Later in the week I met with the oncologist and surgeon to develop our war strategy. It was decided that the most aggresive strategy was to start immediately with chemotherapy followed with surgery and then radiation. The thing is is that once a plan was in place and knowing that it would start immediately, I immediately had a sense of peace. Every ache and pain I felt from stress disappeared. Sure I was still scared but I was now calm and could take on a positive outlook.

Now I am sure whoever might be reading this is wondering what LB stands for. Liz, Sue (our administrator) and I were chatting on the Wednesday before my treatment was to start. We were talking about the cancer, the tumor and what may be happening on Friday. (I still didn't know if I was going to have surgery or chemotherapy) I think it was Liz who under her breath said "The bastard" in reference to the tumor. Pretty soon the three of us are laughing and calling it Little Bastard. We haven't called it that since but I have.

So, the war is on!!!!!