The Tests

Although all of the testing I went through, when I think back, the tests were only over a span of a week. Actually in retrospect, some of it is a little funny.

My initial mammogram at my primary clinic was nothing out of the ordinary. As I had said before, I knew this was likely very bad so I was relatively calm. Waiting in the ladies waiting room in between the mammogram and ultrasound, there was tons of literature about the "journey of breast cancer". That's when it hit me about the word journey and how annoying it is to me. For right now anyway, I can't look at this as a journey. This is a still a war to me. (I know this war will likely last the better part of 10 years.)

Beginning in the middle of the week beginning on Wed. 19th. I had several mammograms and another ultrasound. After, the first on the 19th, was the day Dr. Ghosh told me "this is worrisome." So, I had the second mammogram after Dr. Ghosh had shared this with me. I held it together during the mammogram pretty well. The technician had finished the scan but was finishing her work on the other side. The machine had released but my boob was still sitting in the machine. At this point I just started sobbing. I had already cried with Dr Ghosh but this was different. It was me alone (sort of) and it was hitting me liking a ton of bricks. The technician was very kind. She grabbed me a bunch of tissue and found me a room to myself.

I dropped Mark at home and I went to the grocery store. While at the grocery store, I received a call that they had squeezed me in (no pun intended) for an MRI in two hours from now. I had never had an MRI before and didn't have time to ask any questions. (sometimes ignorance is bliss isn't it?) I knew very little other than Mark told me to keep my eyes shut or put a cloth over my face. When I got back to room where they were to install the IV, there was a sign that some patients need ativan prior to the test. So, not knowing much I asked for some. Well, it was too late in the day so no such luck!!! The other thing is that on with most MRI's, the said patient will lay on their back. With an MRI to scan the breast, I laid on my stomach with my boobs hanging through these holes. It was like they were hanging in the breeze, very weird. The other thing is that when I got on the table, I didn't look back into the tube. (again, ignorance is bliss) I also didn't realize what close quarters this was until I took a deep breath every once in awhile. The technician also gave me a panic button in the event I couldn't stand it anymore. Knowing there was a panic button almost made me more panicked. Each scan would last around 5-7 minutes with a total of between 30-40 mintues. Before each scan the technician would say how long the next would last. I tried to think of things to distract me. I needed to stay distracted because I needed to stay entirely still. Whenever I thought about the kids I started to cry, that didn't work. I tried to think of our last vacation and that made me well up as well. I tried to go to Sannibel Beach in Florida and that had the same effect. Finally, I thought about work and a conversation I had had with one of my nurses earlier in the week. That finally did the trick. The rest of the scans went very quickly.

The next day Thursday the 20th, was more tests and procedures. In prepartation for posttible surgery, I had a chest x-ray and fasting blood tests. I have to tell you that Thursdays in the summer in downtown Rochester we have "Thursdays on 1st" This includes blocks and blocks of food vendors from local restaurants, booths with peoples' veggies and otherthings people like to sell. OK, like I said, I was doing a fasting blood test later prior to the needle biospy and I couldn't eat anything!!!!

Another mammogram was done on the day of my needle biopsy on Thursday the 20th. The needle biopsy was guided wih ultrasound. The radiologist was from a southern state and had never heard of the nursing home where I work. That was a helpful sign for me. Because if he had, he probably would know someone. (I usually can't go anywhere without knowing someone I have worked with and end up talking about it.) My friend Amy and I (we used to work together) ALWAYS run into someone when we are together. Anyway, I told the nurse before the doctor got there that I didn't want a play by play. If I can keed my mind on something else I don't have to think of about what is actually going on. (huge needle going into a very sensitive part of my boby) This strategy has always worked well for me. So, the radiologist was very understanding. There were 5 samples taken. For each sample taken, he only told me because there is a loud click with each sample. During the biopsy, the doctor placed a tiny bead next to the tumor for future assistance in locating the tumor for surgery. So, I had to endure one more mammogram to have record of the exact location.

On Thursday August 27th would be my final test. I met with my oncologist on Wed. and he wanted to do a PET scan to determine if the cancer had spread anywhere. I was given the instructions and headed on to work a few hours on Wed. I got home around 7 pm and popped in the beef stroganoff over rice that my wonderful husband had made. While it was cooking I got the intstructions out for the test. It said: low/no carb diet, high protein. Well, guess what. No rice for me. The only high protein no carb foods available in the house was eggs. Ok, I like eggs once in awhile. I like a good omelet with hashbrowns on the side and some fresh fruit. All of these would not be incdluded!! So, the only thing I could drink is water. (All other drinks were banned as well) I choked around 3-4 eggs down and the required 48 oz of water before bed. Also guess what!!! The test wasn't until around 1:00 pm and guess what else? It was Thursdays on 1st again!!!! The test itself wasn't a big deal. I sit in a chair for about an hour with a sugar compound injected. The sugar compound attaches itself to any cancer cells. So I sat in a chair for an hour. I couldn't read my book because they needed me to sit very still. I put my headphones on and tried to sleep. Unfortunately I couldn't sleep. The woman next to me was snoring so loud, over my music that she could have raised the roof! The pet scan itself wasn't bad. Another tube but not so small and more relaxing.

I have spoken already on the the results of all of the tests. I know there will be more tests of the same when the chemotherapy is done. I am slso hopeful that the next MRI and mammogram will show a smaller and less visible LB!!!!!

Of course one thing that I have to say is that my wonderful husband has been at my side during this whole ordeal. I wouldn't have expected it to be anyway else. However, we have been together for 20 years and having teenagers has certainly taken it's toll on us. He has been quite wonderful and helping with normal parts of life even though I don't feel like I need the help yet. (it is nice to have the break!)

The Synopsis

I have always been a private person and as well do not like calling attention to myself. Anyone I work with and who knows me well can confrim that. Creating a blog to talk about myself is a bit of an oxymoron isn't it?! My dear Marianna told me that everyone is going to want to know how I am doing and how things are progressing. Unfortunately, everyone knows someone that has or has had breast cancer. Of all of the amazing women that have experienced this, every woman has their own story. Just like each woman is unique, each story and experience is unique. My story and my experience are unique as well. This is my story.

I have heard over the years people referring to the breast cancer war as a journey. When I hear the word journey I think of something positive. I think of a journey of self discovery or a long trip somewhere. Certainly I am in this for the long haul. However, I look at this as a war. I am waging this war with the help of Adriamycin, Cytoxan, surgery and radiation. My first battle in this long war is with Adriamycin and Cytoxan (chemotherapy). A war is something I can win but a journey never really ends. I intend to win this war. I refuse to give LB the satisfaction!!!!

It all started actually on the day before my parents 54th wedding anniversary. I knew in my gut when I found the lump that it was bad. I had no belief that it was a cyst or anything else others may try to pretend it may be. I also knew that my life would never be the same. I decided that I was going to enjoy the weekend with my kids. I took the boys to the beach and we went for a bike ride. We had a great weekend. Not knowing what my future held, I also cleaned out the storage. I got the hunting and hockey equipment ready to go for the men in my life.

The next 2 weeks would be the most difficult 2 weeks of my life. I had my first mammogram and ultrasound on August 17th at our primary clinic. That afternoon, a meer 2 hours after I left the office, my np called and they were referring me to the Mayo Clinic for more testing and biopsy. I got the call while at work at my desk. Liz (my friend and boss) and I have shared so much while sitting at our respective desks. We have both overheard each other way too many times hearing bad news and crying for each other. I don't know what I would have done without her during those 2 weeks. She kept this secret for me for over 2 weeks until I was ready to share with everyone. I know this was difficult for her. Everyone at work was asking what was going on. You see, I haven't taken a sick day in probably 5 or more years or maybe since I was on maternity leave with Jeffrey. I had been gone for 3 days out of each week and Liz and Ashley had taken over most of my work. For this I am eternally grateful. Even though I knew in my gut that is was bad, each time it was reinforced, it brought realization and terror. There were moments that a sense of panic would overtake me.

I officially began my war with LB on August 19th when I met with Dr. Ghosh at the breast clinic. The last half of the week was filled with multiple mammograms, ultrasound, an MRI, blood tests and chest x-ray (in preparation for possible surgery) and then the ultimate needle biopsy. While I was about to go in for a second mammogram Dr. Ghosh took me into her office. She did not mince words and in the kindest way possible she told me what she thought. She took both my hands in hers and said, "This is worrisome". She took me in her arms and let me cry and sob on her shoulder.

Monday, August 24th was the day we got the official results of the biopsy. We had already known so it was just a formality and to know what kind of cancer it is. LB is powered by estrogen and is HER2 negative. In the great scheme of breast cancer it is the best kind of breast cancer to have and it means that it will be the most responsive to treatment. In other words, LB doesn't have a shot. So finally some good news! More good news the next week after a PET scan tells me that it has not spread anywhere. Actually, before the biopsy was done, the Mayo Clinic had already put me on both surgery schedule and chemotherapy schedule one of which would occur on August 28th.

Monday, August 24th was the day that we had to share this news with the kids. Most difficult to do. Kyle and Jeffrey are young enough that everything is matter of fact. Kyle and Jeffrey were very non-chalant. So you're getting medicine and then you will be ok. Can I go play now? kind of attitude. Telling Kathryn and Jim is more difficult. They are smarter and know more about the world. That is all I will say about that!

Monday, August 24th was also the day that I had to call my mom and tell her. I was quite nervous about that. I have always admired her more than anyone in the world. I admire her not just because of how she handled her own cancer but the childhood she gave me and the constant love she gives. She had breast cancer at age 49. I, as an 11 or 12 year old, didn't have a clue what she was going through. As an adult, she told me once that she never said "why me?" but she said "why not me?". Remembering that statement has helped me deal with this the most. It helped me to face this head on rather than sit and feel sorry for myself. My mother is an amazing woman!!

Later in the week I met with the oncologist and surgeon to develop our war strategy. It was decided that the most aggresive strategy was to start immediately with chemotherapy followed with surgery and then radiation. The thing is is that once a plan was in place and knowing that it would start immediately, I immediately had a sense of peace. Every ache and pain I felt from stress disappeared. Sure I was still scared but I was now calm and could take on a positive outlook.

Now I am sure whoever might be reading this is wondering what LB stands for. Liz, Sue (our administrator) and I were chatting on the Wednesday before my treatment was to start. We were talking about the cancer, the tumor and what may be happening on Friday. (I still didn't know if I was going to have surgery or chemotherapy) I think it was Liz who under her breath said "The bastard" in reference to the tumor. Pretty soon the three of us are laughing and calling it Little Bastard. We haven't called it that since but I have.

So, the war is on!!!!!